Feb 18, 2009

My Hola Cow...

There's a certain sadness about my boy today. I can see it in his eyes and when I went to take him to school today his whole demeanor seemed very sullen. I always wonder what goes on in his little head. I think he's starting to feel the stress of having two households. I know he feels bad when he misses something that goes on when he is at his dad's but I know he feels the same way when he is with me. It makes me sad that my poor son is torn between the two. Now I realize what my parents were talking about by making good choices. I never thought things would have turned out the way they have but I feel truly blessed to know my son is a strong, smart, tender and loving person. I know that he was sent to me for a reason and that no matter what he will always be my motivation to give him everything I never had. There is something about him, there's a light in him that will shine and no matter what I know he will succeed in everything he does. I hope the adjustments he's dealt with within the few years of his little life will only make him stronger and give him a better sense of what he truly wants in life. I know at times it may not be easy but I hope he knows that his father and I love him, that there are so many people around him that love him and that he will always have our support.
I remember as if it was yesterday. After two months in denial, I finally thought there is a chance I could possibly be pregnant. What did this mean, well everything. I was only seventeen. What did I know about raising a baby? I was a baby myself but at the same time my life was so jacked up that I had been raising kids; my sisters. So then how hard could it be? I was scared mostly of what my family would say, then about what people would think. Ben and I argued before I finally told him what was up with me. He then realized that had been what was stressing me out. He had to drive to Missouri to help his sister move when I told him I thought I was pregnant. He left not wanting to go but knowing he had other obligations. I took Lessa to the store to buy a pregnancy test and was scared out of my mind. What if it was positive, I thought. What will I do? Lessa hopped in the shower and I peed on the stick, thinking I had two minutes to gather myself to see what the results were and the damn test threw me for a loop because instantly it showed up positive. So much for trying to gather myself. I told Lessa and she chanted, 'I'm gonna be an auntie,' while in the shower. Leave it to her to make light of a situation. I called Ben and let him know what the verdict was. Much to my surprise he was so supportive. He was going to get a job the instant he came back and we were going to get a place and all would be well. That seemed to ease my mind for a bit. The next day I got to school and immediately told Loisi. She had been the one I confided in the whole time. Then right before our very last game which was against Bountiful, I told Monica. After that I was slowly telling people and my mom and I got in an argument and I finally told her and surprisingly she was supportive as well. We had never gotten along so this was shocking to me almost to the point where I wished she would've reacted differently because this was new to me. The person whom I was scared to tell was my brother and I chickened out. I made my mom do my dirty work for me. I knew he would take it hard and he did, he cried and I don't think I saw him for like a week after. I thought I would give him his space. Eventually he came around, eventually everyone did. I guess it was something you had to accept because it was going to happen whether you liked it or not. Four months before graduation Ben and I had gotten an apartment and he was working while I was finishing up high school. Things were going better than expected. I was going to school more than I was ever that whole school year and I graduated five months pregnant. I do not in any way condone it but I was glad I had actually graduated especially under the circumstances. By the time I was eight months pregnant Ben and I had moved into Jake and Nina's little apartment. Oh how I miss that place, wow back when they only had two kiddies. My due date was October 8th and when that day had come I called to schedule an inducement. My pregnancy wasn't hard at all but I was ready for my baby to finally be here. When I went in to the doctor's office she sent me home, knowing I was 2 cm dilated that eventually I would go into labor. I was pissed but we went home and I went for a half jog, half walk around the block. Ben couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculous I looked but I was determined to go into the hospital that night. We came back home and sat and talked with Nina and I started having contractions. We decided to time them and soon they were within a minute apart. After about twenty minutes of this nonsense Jake told us to go. We got to the hospital and went up to the labor and delivery floor. They put me in a nice comfy room with lots of movies and gave me this cool little button thing that was connected to my IV and if I felt pain I could push the button. They did monitor how much I was intaking so if I pushed the button more than once within a certain amount of time it would block the pain medication from going into my system which was a bummer. That thing was awesome. I found myself continually asking Ben's little sister, Lilly if I was too loud. Oh the wonders of drugs, it is simply amazing. By the time I was 7 cm dilated my awesome nurse came in and asked me how the pain was, I said it wasn't too bad then she said that if I was still wanting to have an epideral now would be the best time or else I would have to go without and uh uh I was not going to go without. Yes its brave and very honorable that women would decide to deliver naturally but I figure these doctors and people before my time had made these medications and pain relievers for a reason and by all means I am definitely going to take advantage. After a while they decided to break my water and I had to push but before that they asked me who I wanted in the room. I said I only wanted Ben in the room and much to my dismay my mom looked like she was going to have a heart attack so I let her stay too. The doctor had asked if I wanted a mirror in front of me to see the baby as I was pushing and being my moody and grumpy self I thought, "Why the heck would anyone wanna concentrate on watching a mirror? I'll see his head eventually." Oh my gosh I was so mean. Then came the pushing, by the third push I was done. Mentally, physically, I couldn't do it anymore. I was ready to give up and the doctor told me would be the last time so I mustered up whatever strength I had and pushed like crazy and before I knew it, the doctor had set this little cone-headed body on my chest. It was done, he was finally here and I was relieved. He looked up at me with his little squinty eyes and I finally met the person I had come to know after all these months and grew to love more than life itself. What a relief it was to put a face to the name. Khayleb Vaihola Tuaone is what we would call him from there on out. He looked over to his right where Ben was hovering over us. Hola looked up and met eyes with Ben, he gave a little smirk. My baby boy had finally come into this world and I couldn't have been happier. Minutes after Ben had cut the chord and they took him from my chest and went to weigh him. 8 lbs 1 oz, 21 inches long. He didn't make a sound. For the whole five minutes he was in this world, he hadn't made a single noise. Just a smirk, my little cone-head was perfect. He finally cried after his little heel got poked but not for long. That set the tone for the months to come. He was perfect in every way. He didn't cry much and when he did it was just a little whimper. I was blessed to have such an amazing experience. His infant years were a breeze and his toddler years have followed suit. Every child has their days but he really has made parenting easier. He has made it a joy to be able to call him my son. He has made it a joy in every possible way.

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