I wrote this a few months back and contemplated on posting it or not. I realized that this is MY blog and I need to be more open, more raw. Not in a sense that I need to document every detail of every move I make but I do tend to get worried that I may offend someone or that my posts aren't up to certain readers standards. In the end, this is what blogging is all about. To capture the good, the bad. The ups AND downs of life. I feel that this is a part of my everyday life and it tears my heart up that I can't be with my Hola everyday. I love my life, I love my kids and my husband but there are times when I feel a little guilty when I am laughing or having a good time because I think of my Hola. I know he is well and healthy but I often wonder if he is truly happy. I can only hope and pray and have faith that the Lord will continue to bless him and give him strength in everything he does. I do know that I need to in Elder Wirthlin's words, "love days that are filled with sorrow."
My Hola was able to visit my family for a few hours the other day and he was having a hard time. Wishing he could be with his brothers, me and Isaiah. Feeling like he's missing out on major parts of Jack and Kendric's firsts. Their first steps, first words, wishing he could help me out because that's just how he is. Selfless. I couldn't help but pray and wonder what else can I be doing until we go back to Utah to prepare myself for what is to come in the next few years. It's hard for me to tell him not to worry and that we'll be back as soon as Isaiah is done with school. With as much as I have gone through, there was only one thing I wished I would've done differently and that was to have gained the courage and strength to have taken this custody issue to court sooner. One thing I did learn was that I'll never let someone who is condescending and controlling ever make me feel like I can't do anything or make me feel like I'm nothing. As I learn my lesson years later I feel the only one who is left with open wounds is my poor Hola. I wish so badly he didn't have to go through the stress of trying to please me and his dad. I wish that he didn't feel so torn. I've always stayed neutral in not trying to impose any thoughts or making him think he needs to be with us. He is so smart and he knows exactly what he wants. Last year he told Papa that all he wanted was a mom, dad and his brothers. This summer he asked me why all the hard things had to happen to him and it felt like my heart sunk. I felt awful. The last thing a parent wants to do is to have their child already feel like life isn't fair. While Hola was visiting with my family, my brother asked him what he wanted for his birthday. Hola said he wanted a lawyer. Tory looked at him waiting for him to laugh. Hola said with a straight face again, "I want a lawyer." I feel bad that because of the bad decisions I made, my Hola is the one that suffers the most. As I was watching this youtube clip, it gave me hope. It puts things into perspective. I know my Hola is a strong and smart little boy. He knows and sees more than we think he does. He observes the little things and I hope and pray that no matter what he does or where he is that he has the comfort of the Lord with him. No matter how far away I am, the Lord is always by his side. I'm glad that even from a young age and no matter how inactive in church I was, I've always stressed to Hola that praying is important. He is an amazing boy and just like Elder Wirthlin said, "The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life." Hola has a light from within that shines. He is a joy to those all around him and I feel like he has taken things in stride. He is my strength and inspiration. I hope he continues to carry that light and be an example to others. I love and miss him dearly and know that once we are back in Utah, things will continue to get better.
I hope that no matter what types of adversity you are going through that you never let it get the best of you. Stay strong to those who feel like they can't go on. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep smiling and have a great day.
To my Hola,
I love you more than words can express. You were my first love and you taught me how to love unconditionally. Before anyone else it was you and me. I feel like we have a great bond and it'll never be broken. I learned so much from you and I thank you for being the strong little boy you are. Continue to keep up the great work in everything you do, in church, school and whatever sports you choose to pursue this year. I hope you know that wherever life takes you, the Lord is always there to pick you back up when you fall, even when I can't be there. Please know that you are ALWAYS in our thoughts and prayers. I want you to pray always and know that we are always here for you. We love you very much and can't wait to see you again. Patience is a virtue son and I know you've been doing very well at being so patient. I'm sorry that you feel that life is unfair but please know that in the end, you will be tremendously blessed. Continue to do what is right. The Lord knows you and watches over you. He has special plans for you and will never forsake you. Whenever you're feeling down, I hope you think of all the happy memories, the things that make you laugh and smile but most importantly think of how much me and Isaiah love you. I want you to think of how much your brothers love you and look up to you. As Papa would say, "Be relentless in school and never give up."
I love you bub!!