Feb 21, 2013

Words

I was reading a few mom blogs and couldn't help but think it is so refreshing to know that no one has  a perfect life and even if you think your ideal couple never fights, bickers or argues, it's false! Everyone does, well at least those I've encountered.
People aren't perfect.
Marriage isn't perfect.
Neither are any other relationships you may have with others.
Growing up I've always felt that someone close to me has said things, regardless if they really meant it or not, that were very hurtful. Things that I can't fathom saying to my own children.
Being in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship tore me down as well. The words that were said in that relationship took a long time for me to stop believing what was said, it took a long time for me to heal. The emotional wear and tear of simple words and hurtful actions have played a huge role in how I am and in how I react to things.
Just recently, I was getting chastized for spilling my guts over social media but I wear my emotions and heart on my sleeve.
I'm sensitive and I hate it.
I just can't help it.
I'll never go into details but sometimes I just need to let off steam.
Sometimes it just feels better.
Maybe I should refrain from saying the things I say but if I can't say what I feel in my own "personal space" whether it be on my blog, my Facebook or Twitter than what is the point of freedom of speech?
What is the point of even having a voice?
I feel like people have become so desensitized to feelings and emotions. They've become numb. Sometimes I wish I could feel nothing, I wish I could be numb to my feelings and to the thoughts in my head.
I have been feeling uber emotional the past week.
I know I'll get over it.
I know it's not as serious as I make it out to be but it hurts my feelings when mean things are said.
It breaks me down and makes me feel small.
Words will never be forgotten. They can be forgiven but not forgotten.
I know you can't live in the past but I just wish people would be more compassionate and sensitive to other's feelings.
I'm not saying I'm perfect.
Yes, I say mean things about others. I judge others before getting to know them, I have a bad attitude sometimes and I'm grumpy but we all have faults. Do I feel bad after I make assumptions? Of course, anyone with a heart would. But don't make me feel bad for things I can't control. Don't make me feel bad for feeling the things I feel. Don't disrespect me and expect me to act or feel the same way around you.
Once those words leave your mouth, you can never take it back even if it was said out of anger, even if you didn't mean it.
I've tried hard to watch my words and to think before speaking but sometimes I can't help it.
I don't think people realize the effect that words may have.
Things that are said to them may not phase them.
They may be strong mentally that nothing will bother them but I wish that others would think before they speak.
The older I get, the more I realize how messed up I really am emotionally. I can't help but have resentment towards my parents for their absence. I can't help but think I am NOT normal.
I'm in no way trying to play the victim. I own up to all of my mistakes, my wrong doings and like I said before I am in no way shape or form perfect. But because I am so sensitive, I don't want to be anyone's punching bag.
Having this blog helps me. Hopefully it helps those who actually read my blog. Hopefully you can relate to my stories and words.
I know reading all the other blogs I follow helps me find comfort in knowing that there are many women in this journey called life just trying to figure it all out.
Through trial and error.
All the while, trying to give as well as receive support from those around you.
This is my therapy and sometimes these posts may not make sense to someone else but they do to me. It helps me relieve my stress and helps me let go of some steam.
Soon this will be a thing of the past but after writing all of this, I feel a lot better and can move on.
Thank goodness for therapeutic methods!!
Thank goodness for the one talent I know of and recognize; my writing!


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