Apr 21, 2013

Some of you are wondering

If you're new to my blog and haven't had the chance to look at some of my older posts, you're probably wondering why my oldest son doesn't live with me. I'm pretty much an open book, I like to share my experiences and things I go through, in hopes to lift others up and to be an example to others of what not to do. (well what not to do when you're eighteen.)
Anyway, I had my oldest son at the young age of 18. My home life in my adolescent years were not the greatest. I found comfort and attention in the worst way.
 Now my oldest son lives in Utah with his Dad.
 I seriously hate it. I hate the fact that he's not with me everyday. I hate the fact that he suffers because we made bad decisions. I hate the fact that I worry if he's getting the attention he needs and the love he longs for.
 He's been very vocal with me on how he wishes he could live with me and see his brothers everyday. He even told me that one time he found the courage to tell his dad that he wants to live with me, only to be dismissed and shut down.
 If there is anything I could ever tell anyone who is young and in an abusive relationship is (mental and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse) to GET OUT!
I wish I would have been stronger when my ex told me I would never find anyone like him.
I wish I would have been stronger when he told me no one wants 'used goods'.
I wish I would have gotten the hint he was no good for me when his little sister told me she didn't like the way he talked to me.
 I wish I would have stood my ground in the arrangement and scheduling of our son.
 He once told me he didn't want to be a weekend dad and in turn he manipulated me into being a weekend mom. He hid my son from me and in turn scared me into agreeing to him keeping my son and I take him on my days off.
He told me that it worked out that way because I had a crazy work schedule and I was in college.
He told me I was unstable and he didn't want my son to be all over the place.
I did everything he requested.
I did everything that would play in favor of him with the hopes that we would eventually get back together. That we would be that perfect little family I so longed for. That would have never happened and in retrospect God had something and someone better for me.
You see, when infidelity gets involved and someone is not faithful, it messes with your mind.
You drive yourself crazy thinking of those scenarios that you unintentionally walked into.
The memories play back in your head, the pictures you so desperately wish could leave your memory bank, pop up even when you think you're making progress. It's like someone grabs a hold of your heart and twists it, rings it and then leaves you with anguish that on some days are almost unbearable.
One day, I had an epiphany. I realized that I turned into one of those girls who made excuses for the person they wanted to be with. I ended up being a girl I promised myself I would never be. I ended up being weak and submissive.
It was too late by the time I made this self discovery because by the time we went through the custody battle, my son was already settled and had a routine.
The judge didn't want to take him out of his familiarity.
 Now here I am, married to an amazing man who is supportive and loves Khayleb as his own.
Two more kids, two different states and a custody modification in the works at the request of my son.
 I feel awful he has to go through what he has in his short 9 1/2 years of life.
But I've always told him that we can't always control our situation but we can control our attitudes and how we handle things.
People don't say anything when they find out he's not with me and they look at me like I'm a royal mess up. I can hear and see their thoughts through their eyes. (or at least that's how I feel, it definitely has become an insecurity.) I'm sure they wonder how could a mother possibly leave their child? They could NEVER do that and they can't believe I even did such a thing. That I must have been so effed up for my son's Dad to have gotten custody. I try not to think about it. It's hard not to but I've placed a mental block in that department. If I think about my son and our situation too long, I break down. I want to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed but we all know I can't do that. I realize that no one will ever understand what I'm going through and that I shouldn't get offended when people learn of my situation.
 I find comfort in the Lord. To lift me up and to guide me through. I don't know why we go through the things we go through.
I do know if I had made better choices I could have avoided such heartache and pain.
 I feel in this personal bondage, my faith and trust in the Lord will help me get through.
 Khayleb is so smart, insightful, helpful.
He recognizes and appreciates a lot more than most kids his age. 
He's in tune with other people's feelings.
 He's genuine and sweet.
 In all of his trials, he has shown just how amazing and special he is.
 I will never be able to tell him how sorry I am for putting him through this but I do know that we've grown stronger together and apart.
 I know the Lord is mindful of all things and in due time we will be just fine.
All will work out in our favor. I know it, I feel it.
I can't express enough how much I love my little guy. I hope he feels my love for him.
 If you could go back and re-do anything, what would it be? Or would you leave it exactly as is? Have a great week everyone!

22 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing! What raw emotion. I think everyone has things they wish they could take back, but then we also couldn't have learned from it. Stay strong and know everyone is pulling for you, you are such a great mom!

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    1. Thank you Jess! You're right, as hard as it is, I am grateful for my trials and experiences. Hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes.
      You're the best! Kiss your cute girls for me! :)

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  2. Man, that made me tear up, I am so sorry you have gone through that. Your son knows you love him, and knows your doing the best you can. I hope things work out for you, and your son one day gets his wish to live with you. I can't imagine what you have gone through. Thank you for sharing this. Your an amazing woman, I would never look down on you. Your strong wonderful mother, and wish nothing but the best for you.

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    1. Thanks Jackie! You are such a sweetheart! Thank you for your kinds words, I really appreciate it!

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  3. My dear Talisha, I know all too well the awful feelings that haunt you once you've made it out of an abusive relationship. They never leave, and I hate that! You have such an amazing family, and I am so glad you finally found someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated. People have no right to judge you. They don't know the story, nor is it any of their business! You did what you thought was right for your son, no matter how much it made your heart hurt. You are a wonderful mother, and hopefully Khayleb will be back with you soon! Love you, Talisha!

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    1. Oh Holli, I just love you! I am so blessed to have you in my life. I hope all is well with baby #4 and those handsome little guys! I absolutely love your photos on your last post! Too cute!

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  4. Such a beautiful blog post. You can really tell that you love your son. I am in 100% agreeance with you that abusive relationships aren't just physical, but they are mental and emotional, which is just as dangerous. Be strong sister. Although I may not know you, know that there are many people praying for you.

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    1. You are so sweet Teresa! Thank you so much for your words! This means a lot to me! Thank you so much for reading!

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  5. For the record when I realized that Khayleb's father had sole custody of him, I didn't think that you were messed up or a bad parent. I thought that you were a selfless parent who did what she thought best. Anyone that knows you knows that you are a sweet and strong person with a beautiful heart. It takes an incredibly strong person to break away from any kind of abusive relationship and fight for her son. Stay strong girl! Love you and know that I'm praying Khayleb will be back with you soon!

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    1. Jenny, thank you! You are sweet and I'm grateful to have you and your family in my life still. Sometimes I guess I beat myself up and need to realize that this is all a learning experience.

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  6. You are such an amazing women. You deserve so many wonderful blessings. Please know who proud I am of you. Love ya!!

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    1. Thank you Kristy! You mean the world to me and am blessed to have you as a leader, mentor and friend! I hope all is well in your neck of the woods!

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  7. T you never cease to amaze me You are such a courageous and strong women.

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  8. Talisha, you are such an incredible woman and mother. Thank you for sharing this. He is lucky to have you as a mom. You're definitely not a "royal mess up". Not even the slightest.

    And as for your question...there's a TON of things I would have done differently....but everyone has that list, I'm sure!

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    1. Thank you Ashley, you are so kind! It's just like your latest post. We need to be good to ourselves and now it's time for me to stop beating myself up over what I can't control! So glad to have found such a great person like you in this bloggy blog world!!

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  9. Oh and ps...your email isn't attached to your blog anymore for some reason?

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    1. Thank you!! I was wondering why I was getting notified! I'll fix that!

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  10. LOVE YOU!!!! sis how about ive been crying just reading this post! I support you and your family in all you do and know i will be here for you no matter what! LOVE YOU DEARLY AND MISS YOU!!!! You are a wonderful mother and hola is such a blessing. We live and learn and continue to grow , move forward thats what we must do always. Stay strong sis, when you feel weak we are all here to help you up and carry on. In time all will be well.

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    1. Thank you so much sis! I love and miss you! Grateful you're in my life. You've been such a support and strength for me!

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  11. My heart goes out to you and your son. Thank you for sharing your story <3

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    1. Thank you Monique for reading. That means a great deal to me! :)

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