Anyway, I had my oldest son at the young age of 18. My home life in my adolescent years were not the greatest. I found comfort and attention in the worst way.
Now my oldest son lives in Utah with his Dad.
I seriously hate it. I hate the fact that he's not with me everyday. I hate the fact that he suffers because we made bad decisions. I hate the fact that I worry if he's getting the attention he needs and the love he longs for.
He's been very vocal with me on how he wishes he could live with me and see his brothers everyday. He even told me that one time he found the courage to tell his dad that he wants to live with me, only to be dismissed and shut down.
If there is anything I could ever tell anyone who is young and in an abusive relationship is (mental and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse) to GET OUT!
I wish I would have been stronger when my ex told me I would never find anyone like him.
I wish I would have been stronger when he told me no one wants 'used goods'.
I wish I would have gotten the hint he was no good for me when his little sister told me she didn't like the way he talked to me.
I wish I would have stood my ground in the arrangement and scheduling of our son.
He once told me he didn't want to be a weekend dad and in turn he manipulated me into being a weekend mom. He hid my son from me and in turn scared me into agreeing to him keeping my son and I take him on my days off.
He told me that it worked out that way because I had a crazy work schedule and I was in college.
He told me I was unstable and he didn't want my son to be all over the place.
I did everything he requested.
I did everything that would play in favor of him with the hopes that we would eventually get back together. That we would be that perfect little family I so longed for. That would have never happened and in retrospect God had something and someone better for me.
You see, when infidelity gets involved and someone is not faithful, it messes with your mind.
You drive yourself crazy thinking of those scenarios that you unintentionally walked into.
The memories play back in your head, the pictures you so desperately wish could leave your memory bank, pop up even when you think you're making progress. It's like someone grabs a hold of your heart and twists it, rings it and then leaves you with anguish that on some days are almost unbearable.
One day, I had an epiphany. I realized that I turned into one of those girls who made excuses for the person they wanted to be with. I ended up being a girl I promised myself I would never be. I ended up being weak and submissive.
It was too late by the time I made this self discovery because by the time we went through the custody battle, my son was already settled and had a routine.
The judge didn't want to take him out of his familiarity.
Now here I am, married to an amazing man who is supportive and loves Khayleb as his own.
Two more kids, two different states and a custody modification in the works at the request of my son.
I feel awful he has to go through what he has in his short 9 1/2 years of life.
But I've always told him that we can't always control our situation but we can control our attitudes and how we handle things.
People don't say anything when they find out he's not with me and they look at me like I'm a royal mess up. I can hear and see their thoughts through their eyes. (or at least that's how I feel, it definitely has become an insecurity.) I'm sure they wonder how could a mother possibly leave their child? They could NEVER do that and they can't believe I even did such a thing. That I must have been so effed up for my son's Dad to have gotten custody. I try not to think about it. It's hard not to but I've placed a mental block in that department. If I think about my son and our situation too long, I break down. I want to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed but we all know I can't do that. I realize that no one will ever understand what I'm going through and that I shouldn't get offended when people learn of my situation.
I find comfort in the Lord. To lift me up and to guide me through. I don't know why we go through the things we go through.
I do know if I had made better choices I could have avoided such heartache and pain.
I feel in this personal bondage, my faith and trust in the Lord will help me get through.
Khayleb is so smart, insightful, helpful.
He recognizes and appreciates a lot more than most kids his age.
He's in tune with other people's feelings.
He's genuine and sweet.
In all of his trials, he has shown just how amazing and special he is.
I will never be able to tell him how sorry I am for putting him through this but I do know that we've grown stronger together and apart.
I know the Lord is mindful of all things and in due time we will be just fine.
All will work out in our favor. I know it, I feel it.
I can't express enough how much I love my little guy. I hope he feels my love for him.
If you could go back and re-do anything, what would it be? Or would you leave it exactly as is? Have a great week everyone!