Jun 5, 2013

Blocked!

Writer's block has been at its worst lately. I can't seem to write yet I have so many great topics that pop up in my head.
As I write them down and try to chip away, it just doesn't seem to flow like usual.
So I am just writing whatever I can think of at the top of my head to make my brain start working.
The past couple weeks I have been inspired to start a fitness group or a support group rather, to help those who are wanting to make a change in their life for the better. For those wanting to live healthier and stay fit.
I know some pretty amazing women that live in Utah who have helped push me in wanting to effect change in others, even if it's just two or three people.
I'm no expert but it sure is fun to do workouts that have been posted or ones that I find.
Being able to push myself to my limits is a great feeling.
I think that's why I love running so much because after each mile I tell myself I can't possibly run any more and then after a few more miles I'm telling myself the same thing.
Can you imagine how many miles I'd be able to run if I kept telling myself positive things?
Running is excruciating and hard.
I start to get numb by mile 4 or 5.
I start to think bad thoughts and maybe even possibly swear a little.
Then I say little prayers asking God for forgiveness because that was so unnecessary.
I often tell myself that I love running but I really don't love running until after I'm done. Nevertheless, I will always consider myself a runner! (no matter how much of the love/hate relationship we have!!)
I have yet to experience runner's high and I wonder often if it even exists!
Endorphins, smorphins.
I think too much about what I need to do next and how can I make a positive impact on my children and everyone around me as opposed to just breathing and living.
My mind often goes faster than I can process things and lately I have yet to stop and process things from the beginning of this year.
Is it June already?
Are you kidding me?
Next week my sister is bringing my Khayleb to us for the summer.
I can't even explain my excitement. I go into auto pilot and try my best not to feel the emptiness and sadness that's hidden somewhere in the black hole called my heart. I hide my pains deep down where no one can see it and only sometimes do I let myself feel it. I can't wait until next Wednesday and get so happy thinking about Khayleb coming to spend the summer with us.
My boys are growing fast. Way. too. fast.
They are so intelligent and they catch on to everything.
Whenever they hear me say, "stupid" "shut-up" and "freakin" they always call me out and say, "Mommy, don't say that!"
Aren't I supposed to be teaching them?
I think every mother can attest to learning so much more about themselves in raising children.
I have and think it's such a blessing in having my children.
I've been reading a lot of random articles and blogs about the truth about parenting and how some days they don't know how they will make it to the end of the day.
Frankly, I had to laugh.
I've been there, done that.
My hats off to women who are stay at home mothers.
Yes, in a few years, this is what my husband and I have planned.
Our goal is for me to be able to stay home with our children. I will get to enjoy their every move, every word, their cute faces and their every poop (excuse me for that one, but it's true, my boys are at that stage.)
I've read how people talk about children's constant demands, their needs.
Being a parent is hard work.
I will even go out of my way to say that it is the HARDEST JOB I've ever had to endure. I don't get vacation time, PTO, lunches or even breaks.
I get that now being away from my children for 8 hours a day but while we were in North Carolina, we didn't have family or friends near.
Lovey was at school all day. He had football practices, film, two-a-days and had games which also meant away games and weekends alone.
It was just me and the two little ones. All day, every day.
I would be lucky to get a shower in while they were napping. If not, I'd have to wait until I put them down for bed to shower and to just breathe.
I sometimes hid in the bathroom just to get a 2 minute break. If I was lucky, I'd get 5 minutes.
I'd always offer to take out the garbage just to get out of our apartment.
Walmart was almost 15 minutes away and the closest largest city to us was almost an hour away.
Did I mention that my hat goes off to SAHM.
You guys are amazing.
Parenting is hard, it is constant and very demanding but I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world.
I wouldn't go back and do my single days over again and I wouldn't go back and take away the times I was kid free. Although I could argue that I never really was kid free.
I took on the responsibility of my sisters at the ripe age of 11 so I guess it's just second nature to be able to care for and nurture children.
If I could, I would have six more kids.
I love them. I am good with them, most days! But hey, I'm human.
I have fun with my kids and the thing that I can honestly say is that they're happy.
I know my Khayleb isn't in the most ideal situation but he feels loved. He knows he's loved. He gets double the Christmas gifts, double the birthday presents and he has relationships with both my side and his father's side of the family.
That's more than some people can say.
I look at their faces and I can feel that they are happy.
I hope to make our home a safe and comfortable environment for them.
I hope and pray for a lot of things but in the end, the things I hope for the most is that my children will always have a great relationship with me and Lovey. I hope they have a personal relationship with the only person who will never forsake them, their Heavenly Father.
Obviously, this whole post is random but is helping me with the dreaded writer's block.
It somehow went from fitness to parenting.
Anyway, it's hump day!
Hope it's a good one!
Oh by the way, today is national running day.
Make it a point to run somewhere.
Run to the bathroom, run to the kitchen. Run half a mile, heck run as much as you can.
If you have children run with them outside.
Jack and Kendric have been enjoying the fact that I take them on my runs.
Happy running and happy Wednesday!!

 

2 comments:

  1. I love when you blog about running and fitness! That's what I'd love to hear more about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Brooke for your input! I'll be sure to post more of my fitness and running. You're the best!

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