Jan 29, 2014

Sometimes your past is a blur.

I was messaging my cousin and she had mentioned that she was proud 
of me and told me she was happy that I was happy.
She brought up the time she saw me when I used to work at Walmart
and how even through my smile, she could tell I was sad.
It's funny that you forget some of the things that
happen in your past.
It's funny how some things are such a blur.
I almost feel like those are some of the Lord's tender mercies for me.
That He makes things a blur and fades some of the pain and hurt you go through.
The fact that the distant memories can stay far off in the back of your mind where it belongs.
Let's rewind back to 2004-2006.
Those were probably the most trying times of my life.
I didn't see it yet but God always
has a way of making things work out for the better.
I started working graveyards at Walmart in Utah, July of 2004.
My Hola was about 8 months old when I started.
His dad and I were on and off
and I remember going through another one of our episodes.
Every time I felt broken and was a mess.
I was young, dumb and wanted attention from him.
He just wanted to be a typical 19 year old.
We were so young.
That's not an excuse but we just couldn't make it work.
I so desperately needed a male figure in my life and was looking in all the wrong places.
He was looking for someone who was less needy, naggy and confident.
I wasn't that.
I had no confidence.
We fought and his blows were below the belt.
He left me mentally broken and I left him exhausted.
We would have never been good for each other, never were and never will be.
(Please note that when I write about my past, this isn't a cry for attention or to feel sorry for me. I am not playing victim, I am just merely reflecting. I have and will always own up to my mistakes. There are always two sides to a story. His view may be completely different but this was my perception of how life was. It wasn't pretty and I hardly remember the good times. They were few and far between.)
He sought comfort and release elsewhere.
I strung myself along because I was naive, had nowhere to go and didn't believe in myself to leave.
I was so stressed out and tired that I literally looked sick.
My friends and family would run into me while I was at work 
and they would ask if I was okay.
My face was caved in, I had no appetite and
I was always sad.
I thought to myself and almost accepted that this would be my life forever.
Until one day, I was fed up.
The games we played were immature.
We got back at each other in different and mean ways.
I realized how completely unhealthy it was.
I realized I didn't need to do this anymore.
The defining moment was when my really good friend had gone through a similar situation.
I asked her a simple question.
I asked what she would have done in my situation.
Her answer was simple yet so powerful.
"I would leave and never look back. It will be rough but you'll be happier."
Life is so simple yet we tend to make it so difficult.
And that was that.
I let go and have never looked back.
I still to this day have to endure a trial that I caused for the simple fact of doing nothing and it came at the expense of my oldest not being with me but I am working every day to make it right.
Remember when one door closes, another one will open.
Don't look back and fret on what could have been.
Be strong and brave to keep going.
Learn from your mistakes so that you can become better not bitter.
Don't hold grudges for that only slows your growth process.
Forgive and forget.
Had I never been through that situation, I don't think I'd be where I am today.
I've been able to carry over a healthy and strong relationship with my husband.
We build each other up and we work through our issues.
We communicate to each other without bringing back old wounds.
Play fair.
What's done is done.
If you forgive someone for doing something, don't EVER bring it up again.
Let it go for your sake as well as theirs.
How can they practice true compassion and sorrow if you keep throwing old news in their face?
How many times does someone have to feel bad for a mistake made in the past?
Don't waste your energy and time on things you can't control.
Words will be said.
Words do hurt but the words of others don't define you.
Forgive because you'll benefit from it.
You'll free yourself of imprisonment
Focus on you and how you can improve.
I look back on the trials and mountains I've climbed and boy oh boy does it feel good to have endured.
Ten years ago, you would have thought my world had come to an end.
I am truly blessed to have all that I have.
Try to step out of your 3 x 5 frame you're so accustomed to and look at the bigger picture.
I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason.
I wasn't brought into this world just to fly by the seat of my pants.
Every move and choice I make is calculated and designed for other things to fall into place.
We can agree to disagree, these are just my thoughts and feelings.
Don't fall victim to your surroundings.
Make sure you're making the best of each and every opportunity you have.
Never take things or people for granted.
Write a daily list of what makes you happy and what you're thankful for.
You have the power to change your world and environment.
It will just take a lot of work.
So pull up your sleeves and get going!
Although bits and pieces of my life can be a blur,
I can see my blessings and joys clearly.
I know what I have and I thank God everyday.
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom and feel that pain to truly know what happiness is.
Happy hump day all!!

2 comments:

  1. you couldnt have said that any better! love this, and love reading all your posts! love you!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. great post! We do have a way of kind of blurring out the past. I find that I see the past with rose colored glasses- I am always convinced that it was better than it was and that now is not as good as it really is if that makes sense. I sympathize with you on those graveyard shifts with a baby. That couldn't have been easy!

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